Sheriff Truman…..Kevin Nealon
Andy Brennan…..Conan O’Brien
Leland Palmer…..Phil Hartman
Audrey Horne…..Victoria Jackson
Nadine Hurley…..Jan Hooks
Femme à la Bûche…..Jan Hooks
Nain parlant à l’envers…..Mike Myers
[Chambre d’hôtel de Dale Coopern la nuit]
Dale Cooper: Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I’ll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I’m gonna get naked and slide around in them.
[ la porte s’ouvre, le Sheriff Truman entre]
Sheriff Truman: Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.
Dale Cooper: Harry, I’m glad you’re here. Tonight we’re going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins – you know, the one with the eagle feather.
Sheriff Truman: Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.
Dale Cooper: Well, that’s good news, Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won’t be long now.
Sheriff Truman: No, no, no, no. Leo confessed. He really did, honest. It’s over. We found the murder weapon in the truck. His fingerprints match. We even have a video tape of it. [ sort une cassette de sa poche]
[ Musique : “Laura Palmer’s Theme” ]
Dale Cooper: Harry, in the FBI we’re trained in one very important thing – to look beyond the obvious. Now, this video tape is helpful, but last night I had a dream. In that dream I saw a hairless mouse with a pitchfork singing a song about caves. I surmised these are the same caves at the Packard Saw Mill. Harry, tonight you and I are going to do a little spelunking.
[ La porte s’ouvre violemment, Leo, menotté, entre avec Andy Brennan ]
Leo: I guess you heard. I did it. I’m ready to do my time. Get me a beer!
Dale Cooper: Harry, this certainly puts him high on the list of suspects. See he doesn’t leave town.
[ Musique: “Laura Palmer’s Theme” ]
Leland Palmer: [ découragé, entre dans la pièce ] Special Agent Cooper. I want to thank you for finding the man that killed my daughter Laura. Now that its over, I’m gonna miss you. [ il étreint Cooper ] Dance with me. Dance with me. [ il tient les mains de Cooper et commence à se balancer ]
Dale Cooper: Leland, I’m afraid your celebration may be a bit premature. Laura’s killer is still at large.
Leland Palmer: [ arrête de dancer ] What? [ sanglote et se met à danser de façon incontrolable puis quitte la pièce ]
Sheriff Truman: Cooper? Why did you say that? Leland’s just starting to make a recovery.
Dale Cooper: Oh, don’t worry about Leland. His dancing is actually getting quite good.
[ Musique: “Audrey’s Dance” ]
Audrey Horne: [ entre dans la pièce et s’appuie contre le mur] Agent Cooper.
Dale Cooper: Audrey, did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?
Audrey Horne: I quit that job as soon as I found that Leo did it.
Leo: That’s right! I’m the one.
Dale Cooper: [ réprimandant Léo ] I’m talking to Audrey.
Leo: [ cherchant dans sa poche ] I’ve got pictures, see. [ sort son portefeuille et montre les photos ] Here’s me about to kill her. Here’s me killing her. Here’s me wrapping her in plastic.
Audrey Horne: [ entre Cooper et Leo ] I just wanted to say goodbye, Agent Cooper. I want you to take this with you. [ elle lui tend un cadeau ] I just have to finish wrapping it. [ met un long ruban rouge dans sa bouche puis en sort un noeud rouge qu’elle place sur le cadeau. ]
Dale Cooper: Thank you Audrey. [ Audrey sort de la pièce ] Harry, tonight we’ll stake out the graveyard disguised as alter boys.
Sheriff Truman: No, no. No, we won’t, Cooper, and I’ll tell you why – because the crime has been solved already. Leo confessed.
Dale Cooper: Okay, we’ll go to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Eskimo seal hunters.
Sheriff Truman: No, Cooper.
Dale Cooper: How about Vegas?
Sheriff Truman: No.
Dale Cooper: It’s fun.
Sheriff Truman: Come off it, Cooper.
Dale Cooper: Harry, I’ve got it. [ prend un caillou sur la table. ] I’ll throw this rock at the window. If it breaks, Leo is innocent. [ lance le caillou sur la fenêtre, il la casse. ] Leo you’re free to go.
Sheriff Truman: Look, Cooper – I know you have interesting methods, and I don’t blame you for loving your work. But seeing that this crime is solved already, I’d like to move on to an unsolved crime.
Leo: Look! I did it! You think those notes I sent you were a joke?!
Dale Cooper: What notes?
Leo: Those notes right there.
Sheriff Truman: [ prend les notes et les lit ] “Dear Agent Cooper. I killed Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.” [ lit le mesage suivant ] “Dear Agent Cooper. Wondering if you got my first note. Read my killing of Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.” [ lit la suivante ] “Dear Agent Cooper. Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities. Yours truly, Leo ‘the murder of Laura Palmer’ Johnson.”
[ Musique : “Night Life in Twin Peaks” ]
Nadine Hurley: [ entre en courant, portant une tringle à rideaux] Agent Cooper. [ elle saisit son bras gauche ] I understand you’re returning to Washington? [ Cooper acquiesce ] This.. [ montre la tringle.. ] This is my silent drape runner. Please see that it gets to the patent office. That is all. [ elle sort de la pièce ]
Sheriff Truman: Cooper, I think I’m going to head off, too.
Dale Cooper: Oh, not yet, Harry. We still haven’t heard from the Log Lady.
Sheriff Truman: Cooper, you’re not going to hear from the Log Lady.
Dale Cooper: Why not?
Sheriff Truman: Well.. because there’s only two women left on “Saturday Night Live”, and we’ve already used them both up.
[ La Femme à la Buche entre en courant, portant sa buche dans ses bras ]
Log Lady: [ essouflée ] Hi. My log says Leo did it. That all, I got to go. [ Elle sort en courant]
Dale Cooper: Harry, this town never ceases to amaze me.
Sheriff Truman: Well, you come back and visit any time. [ s’adressant à Leo et Andy ] Let’s go, everybody.
[ Les trois commencent à sortir ]
[ Musique : “Into The Night” ]
Dale Cooper: Well, wait.. maybe.. maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer.. but we still haven’t figured out who shot me.
Leo: I did! Geez, you saw me!
Sheriff Truman: Come on, lets go, everybody. [ a Cooper ] A good morning to you. [ il sort et ferme la porte ]
[ Music Over: “Twin Peaks” Theme ]
Dale Cooper: [ il pose la tringle et prend son dictaphone ] Well, Diane, I guess I’m going to be heading home several months earlier than I planned. [ éteint la lumière ] I suppose I might as well, because for the first time in my life.. here in this beautiful town of Twin Peaks, I feel alone. Hopelessly alone.
[ la porte s’ouvre, le Nain entre ]
Nain: [ sous-titre ] Hello Cooper.
Dale Cooper: Hello, little friend.
Nain: [ sous-titre ] Heard about Leo confessing, tough break.
Dale Cooper: It’s okay. Say, I thought I might go to the diner for a slice of cherry pie before I leave town.
Nain: [ sous-titre ] Do they have little pies?
Dale Cooper: My friend, I’ve got a feeling they do. You know what – on second thought, I think I’ll just call it a night. Is that all right? Nothing personal?
Nain: [ subtitles ] Sure. No problem.
[ Musique : “Dance of the Dream Man” ]
[ Nain commence à danser alors que Cooper se met au lit]